Pregnancy journal

Since I was really trying to record my training, when I found out I was pregnant and didn't want to tell anyone it kind of put a cramp in the training journal. So I started a pregnancy one along with it and I'm posting some entries now if anyone is interested in how I arrived at the conclusion to run this marathon anyway.

March 23, 2011

Well here we go. The words I never wanted to say again. I’m pregnant. I found out last Friday, 5 days ago after suspecting for a little over a week. I wish I had written some of my feelings on Friday but at the same time I’m glad I didn’t. It would have just been full of swear words and why?! Why?! WHY?! WHY!!!!!!! The last few days have been a real roller coaster but surprisingly I am coping well. I feel the Lord helping me and I trust in His plan for me. I’m not alone. My husband on the other hand is still in denial he just can’t quite grasp what is happening.

So why do/did I not want to be pregnant? HELLO!!! 5 CHILDREN! I don’t want to do the midnight feedings, I don’t want to have a brand new baby, I don’t want to go through child birth again, I don’t want to give my body up to someone else. Mostly, I am training for a marathon and my body is MINE! I don’t want to gain any weight!!!! I just finally am getting back. I’m 9 lbs from my goal and pregnant or not I am going to reach it!!

The first thing I did after finding out, before telling lance, was email my trainer. She reassured me that she would help me have a fit pregnancy and alter my training but she didn’t say I could still do the marathon. So I got online and did some research. I found stories after stories of running mommies. Some who even completed a marathon while pregnant. After reading one particular story I felt reassured that I could still do it. Once I felt like the marathon wasn’t off the table I felt so much better. Now I have to just make it happen. While Lance is still in denial I am just dealing with the situation. I think that is one of the talents women have. We take the cards we are dealt and move on. As long as I can still run this marathon I can deal with this pregnancy. This affects my day care business which makes me sad but hopefully I can still watch kids next year.

I wish I could be posting this on my blog since this IS my marathon training right now but I just can’t share this with people now. Some people will be upset later when they find out but I have to keep this a secret now. This is why..

• I’m just not ready to deal with the comments. “You know where babies come from right?” “Wow, you sure have your hands full.” “You are braver then me.” If I could go the whole pregnancy without ever hearing those phrases or phrases like that I would be happy. Even the pity looks I get drive me nuts. Let’s face it. After 3 kids people stop being happy for you and start thinking you’re crazy. I’d much rather people find out after the fact.

• I don’t want to be judged. I can only imagine the opinions people will have of me running a marathon pregnant and I don’t want to hear the negative.
• I make enough excuses for myself I don’t need others to add to it. You know, saying “You’re pregnant you should rest, don’t push yourself.” Yes I’m pregnant and I want this baby to be healthy but if I am going to accomplish this goal I need to push.

So, lets talk a little running. I’m still doing it! The weeks to come are going to be hard but I’m sticking to it. I ran 4 this morning. I threw up at mile 2 but I kept going.

March 26, 2011

We’ve known just over a week now that #5 is on its way. It’s been an emotional week but all in all I think we are coping well. I went to the chiropractor yesterday. He’s been working with me and my had hip and back for almost a year now and always tells me how proud he is of the weight I’ve lost and how amazing my running story is. Yesterday he very sincerely was complimenting me on how I was like Forest Gump. One day I decided to run and just kept running. He told me how great he thinks that is and really what a great example I am and he hopes others will follow me.

It was such a nice compliment but honestly it almost made me cry. I’m pregnant! That’s all I was thinking. I felt like by being pregnant I was letting people down. Here I am doing these great things and I am inspiring people. I feel like I’m letting lots of people down. But really I just have to make this change of events another challenge and inspire people with my persistence. I feel like I will be letting so many people down not just myself.

My biggest fear: that voice in my head that says, “You’re pregnant its okay to eat that,” Or you’re pregnant you don’t need to exercise that hard.” This voice will be the death of me. I fear this voice in my head. It is my enemy.

March 28, 2011

Down a pound down a pound! 8.2 pounds to go! I feel like I’m racing time. Racing against the inevitable weight gain that is coming. How far down can I get before I start going up? The further down I go the more room I have to go back up. The pressure is building. I just hope I don’t sabotage myself.

April 3, 2011

Feeling pregnant already??

Yep, I am!!! Not just yes the morning sickness and passing out every time I sit on the couch, I’m talking my stomach hurts and feels like it is poking out!!! When I roll over in bed I feel the muscles stretching in my stomach, any woman that has had a baby probably know what I’m talking about. It hurts. I feel my stomach growing!!! I even think it looks like it is sticking out a little more. I thought I was just crazy until the other day Lance even mentioned it. Of course no one else in the world would possibly notice at this time but hello… already??? I’m not sure exactly how far along I am but I’m thinking about 7 weeks. That is too early to be feeling this way. I don’t like it. I’m not ready to surrender my body to this process. It kind of pisses me off!!

I’m still running. I ran great this week and got my heart rate up easier then I did last week. That is one thing I think the pregnancy is affecting, my ability to get my heart rate up, which in turn affects my speed. But I’ve already surrendered the goal of any time records. I’m not racing for time I’m just racing basically for health now. I want to do this marathon yes, but now I’m just desperate to keep this fit body of mine fit.

April 13, 2011

So went to the doctor Monday and I’m a little further along then I thought. I will be 11 weeks tomorrow. Good part about that is I’m almost done with the first trimester which means I’m almost over the throwing up part of all of this. But the bad new is I’m going to be that much further along for the marathon. I will be 18 weeks!! That’s just about showing. I will have a little bump it just won’t be obvious that it is a baby bump. Oh well.

It also means I will be 26 weeks for the triathlon. I’m due November 2^nd. I was hoping to do the Halloween 5k. We will just have to see about that one I guess.

I’m warming up to the idea. I’ve even told some people and their reactions have been really kind so that makes me feel better. Maybe this won’t be as horrible as I thought it would be. I seem to have stopped losing weight. I guess that is how it should be but I would really like to go down just a little more before I go back up. Oh well. I’m going to just have to let some things go and just take things as they come. I got to see the baby on the ultra sound and its hard not to get excited when you see that. The whole thing really is a miracle.

April 20, 2011

So I’ve reached the point of excitement. I realized the other day that if I were to miscarry at this point I would be devastated.

May 18, 2011

Sometimes I’m so full of emotion I just don’t have the energy to write anything. At this point looking back at how upset I was about being pregnant sounds so selfish and silly. Last week I went to the doctor and heard some really bad news. We’re having complications with this pregnancy and I will be so grateful to get a healthy baby in the end. I can’t believe I ever didn’t want this.

Its difficult for me to understand exactly what is going on and even more difficult to explain but here it is in a nut shell. I have a sensitivity to Antibody e and Antibody C which I was probably exposed to in my last delivery. So, now my body recognizes those antibodies and unless the baby has the exact same blood type as me my red blood cells will start attacking and trying to kill the baby. From what I understand and from the few little blogs I've found on line from women with similar, not even the same situation as me is that usually the babies usually come early and usually have jaundice and are anemic. So who know what the next few months will hold for us. But its been emotional to say the least. I still get to run the marathon though! So that is good.

I felt like it was such a trial just to accept this in the middle of training for a marathon and just losing all that weight. Now once we've accepted it and gotten excited about it I feel like the Lord is taking it away. What can I do but just laugh? You never know how much you want something until it is taken away.

My doctor is sending me to the Platt River Clinic for high risk pregnancies. I’ve already had my blood taken 3 times and I’m 15 weeks.

Running: I’ve been doing pretty good documenting my long runs. Just add to it, I’m pregnant. I don’t wake up early any more to work out. I just can’t do it. I am tired but I feel pretty darn good. Less then 3 weeks before the big day!